Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Where do I begin?

Well, here I am. Its been 7 months 11 days since my baby passed away. Unless you have lost a child there are no words to explain the loss I feel everyday. So much has happened since she died. So much going on in our lives....without her. Everyday when I wake up I wait to hear her say, "mommy I waked up," then I remember she's gone. It hurts, like you wouldn't believe. She was so full of life and energy and happiness, that its still hard to believe she was gone in the blink of an eye. I still haven't dreamed of her. I think its my way of coping. I just don't think I'm ready to see her in my dreams.
A couple days after she died her nurse called me. She said that the autopsy revealed that her lung was so collapsed that they couldn't even force it open. They said no matter what she would have died soon anyway. Even hearing that I still blame myself. I know that I shouldn't but I still do. I go over that day all the time and it still hurts. I miss her terribly.

I don't know what we would do without Nakota. She makes our days better. Its so bittersweet to see that my girls like the exact same movies and shows even though they didn't get to know each other. Brynlee would love outrageous Nakota! Nakota calls her Brymwee. For awhile after she passed away, Kota would point to Brynlee's picture and then at the ground as if to say where is she? I think Brynlee waited for us to have a baby to keep us occupied. She knew I would fall apart if I didn't have another child to love. She never wanted anything to hurt me....and it still hurts like hell.

9 comments:

Becki and Jeff said...

Oh, Tara. Not a day goes by when I think of my own loss. I know exactly how you feel. Yes, it hurts. It will hurt. It gets easier, I promise. The pain and loss will always be there. There is a brighter lining that I've found comfort in... the temple and the promised blessings it can bring. That alone lessens the pain for me.

Derek and Christi said...

Tara, I don't know what to write but I think about you and your loss all the time. I'm so sorry.

Jessica said...

Oh Tara, you brought me to tears. I think of Brynlee often and pray for you all every day. I never got to meet your little beautiful girl, but she touched my heart and I will never, ever forget her. I can only imagine the complete loss and sorrow you feel missing your Brynlee. She captured so many people's hearts and I believe she was here to show us what life is all about-love, courage, and kindness. Sending you lots of love today.

foxy said...

sending you love.

Alesha said...

I dont even know how I found your blog but we have the same ped and my baby passed away just a month(ish) after your sweet little girl. I just wanted to let you know that I will pray for you. Losing a child is horrible. And you are right, you don't know how it feels unless you have been there. And even then I think it is different. :)

Melodie said...

...:( i wish i could take your pain away. or at least do or say something helpful. love you lots. we are better people because of brynlee ♥♥ always in my thoughts, friend. xoxo

brigette said...

Praying for you lossing a child is so hard the pain stings everyday and sometimes eases but never goes away. So when you talk about everyday know that is "normal". Hugs to you sweet mama!

The Ogdens said...

My heart aches for you! Don't blame yourself. Brynlee couldn't have asked for a better mom. You are amazing! Love you!

The McClure's said...

Oh Tara I'm so sorry I wish there was something I could do to help you with your loss. Your in our prayers.