Well, here I am. Its been 7 months 11 days since my baby passed away. Unless you have lost a child there are no words to explain the loss I feel everyday. So much has happened since she died. So much going on in our lives....without her. Everyday when I wake up I wait to hear her say, "mommy I waked up," then I remember she's gone. It hurts, like you wouldn't believe. She was so full of life and energy and happiness, that its still hard to believe she was gone in the blink of an eye. I still haven't dreamed of her. I think its my way of coping. I just don't think I'm ready to see her in my dreams.
A couple days after she died her nurse called me. She said that the autopsy revealed that her lung was so collapsed that they couldn't even force it open. They said no matter what she would have died soon anyway. Even hearing that I still blame myself. I know that I shouldn't but I still do. I go over that day all the time and it still hurts. I miss her terribly.
I don't know what we would do without Nakota. She makes our days better. Its so bittersweet to see that my girls like the exact same movies and shows even though they didn't get to know each other. Brynlee would love outrageous Nakota! Nakota calls her Brymwee. For awhile after she passed away, Kota would point to Brynlee's picture and then at the ground as if to say where is she? I think Brynlee waited for us to have a baby to keep us occupied. She knew I would fall apart if I didn't have another child to love. She never wanted anything to hurt me....and it still hurts like hell.